its all relative
by ArtFreak101
Summary: adopt a Harry fic... with a twist.
1. Chapter 1

"_Good. Now if you'll just write out the disclaimer…"_

"Don't make me write it out, Abbot. Please don't be write it out Abbot! Don't make me do it Abbott, please DON'T MAKE ME DO IT! ABBOT! ABBOT! ABBOT!

"_What's the matter now?"_

"…There's no paper."

DISCLAIMER: Don't own 'em. Nope. Not a bit.

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Six-year old harry Potter sat at the door step of the Dursley household.

This by itself was not necessarily odd.

Save the fact that it was the middle of the night.

And he was in the middle of a spring thunderstorm.

_KA-RACK! _**BOOM!**

He shivered in the cold rain and flinched as the thunder shook the foundation under him.

"Stupid Dursley's."

Not the first time he'd been locked outside during the night. Nor out in a storm. Nor was it the first of many unfortunate incidences.

He smiled bitterly.

The only thing he had to keep him warm were Dudley's old cast offs.

And the thoughts of what he would do to the Dursley's if given the opportunity. And if the thought he could get away with it.

The cloths stuck to his skin in the rain, and the cold made his flesh so pale and numb he looked like a dead body. A living skeleton really, given his enforced eating habits.

That wasn't an isolated incident either he knew. Many, too many people acted like he didn't exist. Literally looked though him.

Teacher completely overlooked his cast off cloths and malnourished form to fuss over a child with a scraped knee. Occasionally someone would notice him, say something to him, and the next day act like it never happened.

It was something to ponder later, he decided. After he managed to get his revenge. Or freedom.

For now, he needed to thing about how to get back inside.

Perhaps the roof?

There might be a chance the bathroom window or the toy room window might be unlocked. Unlikely, but it was worth a shot.

The access ladder was still in the back yard. Vernon had left it out on account of the T.V. antenna needing to be adjusted regularly. Which Harry always did.

Moving quickly so he might get out of the cold rain sooner, he hurried around the house and up the ladder.

Now the tricky part.

because the roof was wet, he would have to edge along the top carefully to avoid slipping and falling off the roof. And so, scooting along on his knees, he paused at the antenna, grabbing it for balance.

He then realized a fatal flaw in his plan.

_KA-RACK!_ **BOOM!**

FZZZZZZZZZZZZZTTTZZZ!

And all was dark.

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Some distance away, in a hidden magical school in case you didn't know.

In Headmaster Dumbledore's office atop a shelf, a small, spinning, red glass marble spinned happily along a small dish.

That is, until it stopped spinning.

Turned black.

Cracked in half.

Burst into flame.

And released smoke about the room.

All the while emitting noises the normally silent bauble didn't make.

_Da-dum, Da-dum, Da-dum._

_Ba- da- da- dum. Click. Click._

It should be noted though that it had been Fawkes burning day yesterday, so the room already smelled of smoke.

And on the shelf said bauble was surrounded by countless other baubles. And it didn't really stand out. And it was the middle of the night. And Dumbledore was asleep in the room two floors below.

Oh, and he was senile. Really senile.

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When harry began to awaked, it was to the sound of voices he didn't know. American at that.

"Come on, Gomez! Can I keep him? Oh please, oh please, oh PLEASE?"

"I don't know, Fester old boy. He's a big responsibility. You have to feed him, cloths him, take him for walks, let him outside on the neighbor's lawn to do him business..."

"Oh, please Gomez! I've always wanted my own little mutant to terrorize! And I've never seen anyone take as much electricity as him and walk away besides myself! It's not like his family wanted him. They left him out on the doorstep for anyone to take!"

At the word 'terrorize' Harry had tensed up, knowing the term all too well in reference to himself.

Slowly, he opened his eyes to a black room.

Mind you, light did shine in through the window… sort of.

Black curtains. Black wall paper. Black furniture. A black blanket thrown over the bed he rested in. A dismembered hand sitting on his chest…

And two men.

One had dark Mediterranean skin, slicked back hair, a pencil thin mustache, a dreary black suit and was smoking a cigar like he'd just won the lottery.

The smile on his face said he would sell your grandmother's soul to the devil for a quarter and throw the quarter away, feeling satisfied.

The other man was stocky, bald with bags under his eyes, wearing a dirty brown over coat. His skin was as pale as his own, harry realized as he made a quick inspection of his own. Mind you he'd already been pale, but the two of them took it to new levels.

The smile on this man's face could only be demented glee.

The bald one rushed forward into Harry's face.

"Welcome to the family, son! Just call me Dad!"

He grabbed Harry's hand.

Of course harry didn't see the buzzer in his knew 'Dad's' hand. Nor did he see that electric car battery strapped to his back.

FZZZZZZZZTTTTZZZTZ! FZZZZZZTTTZZ!

"AAGGHH!"

Also, Harry would never realize his accidental magic would react as well.

By shocking his 'Dad' right back.

FZZZZZTT! FZZZZZZZ! FZZZZZTTTTZZ!

"**AAGGHH!"**

"AAAGGGGGGHHHH!"

"**AAGGH!"**

"AAGGGHHH!"

FZZZTT! FZZZZZZZTTZZ!

Gomez wiped a tear from his eye at the heartwarming moment.

"Welcome to the family."


	2. Chapter 2

DISCLAIMER: You know it already.

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**One day later…**

He had a family, Harry thought to himself.

It was enough to almost make him wish to be back with the Dursley's.

Almost.

He watched his new demented father who was going into excruciating detail about an experiment involving who banana peels, a chainsaw, an Egyptian mummy and a gallon of nitro.

His uncle Gomez looked politely interested as he looked over a case file. He learned his knew uncle was a lawyer. Currently defending a man named Hannibal in court.

His cousin Wednesday was a year younger than him. She sat across the dining table from him and staring directly at him. If he were to hazard a guess, he would say she were looking into his soul and passing judgment. She looked like a younger clone of her other.

His other cousin Pugsley strolled in carrying a stop sign over his shoulder and a spring in his step, a smile on his face. The boy looked more like his uncle than his father.

Distantly he could hear a crash outside.

"Twenty-seven! Good show son!" Gomez clapped Pugsley on the shoulder.

Grandma-ma (A woman who could pass for one-hundred and twenty) came into the dining room towing a pot of some unidentifiable substance and began portioning it onto everyone's plate.

Harry eyed it curiously with the vague sense that it was doing the same to him.

Picking up a fork, he poked at it, unprepared for a tentacle to jump from the plate and grab the fork. After a brief tug of war, he wrenched free his fork and stabbed the thing on his plate repeatedly, feeling a little sorry as it gave a death's wail.

Warily, he cut of a chunk and watched the rest of the family eat.

He took a bite and chewed.

He had gone dumpster diving several times in the past as the Dursley's routinely forgot to feed him.

All in all, not the worst thing he'd ever eaten.

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**One week later…**

Harry looked at himself in the mirror. Yech. He'd been pale before, but now he took it too new levels. His hair had been messy before but now looked permanently electrocuted. If he watched it long enough, a small electrical current would run through it. His eyes were bloodshot too.

He was still wearing the burnt and singed Dudley's cast offs. Since he'd never asked for cloths, his dad had never given him any, thinking he was happy with what he had.

He'd check the room of his new closet.

Lets see… he pushed the hangers about in his room.

"Uncle Knick Knack's winter wardrobe…"

"Uncle Knick Knack's summer wardrobe…"

"Uncle Knick Knack?"

A lot of the cloths were a bit big, but still fit better than his whale of a cousin's did. His blood cousin that is. Opening the last one, he found a nice long dirty white coat off from some Halloween dummy.

He inspected his new attire.

with the white coat and electrocuted hair, he looked like a mad scientist he'd seen on the telly.

"Mwa-ha-ha-ha-haha!"

Downstairs, Mortisha Addams looked up at the ceiling as maniacal laughter rained down through the floor above.

"Nice to see he's fitting in well."

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Despite his best efforts to avoid her, Wednesday finally cornered him. Warily he closed his eyes waited for his gruesome fate.

"I want to play."

Harry blinked and looked down at the younger girl. Was that all she wanted?

"Okay."

He would regret saying that.

Only two minutes later.

"Are you sure this is safe?"

He tugged futilely at the iron bonds that held his arms and legs to the chair.

Wednesday finished strapping electrodes to this skull and gave him a long look. "When did I ever say anything I do is safe?"

As she started a small gas generator, Harry looked at the several noxious looking fluids that fed though tubes around him and the electrodes that attached to the generator.

he felt a panic rise in his chest… and something else… something as he wished to be somewhere else… anywhere else…

POP!

Wednesday raised an eyebrow as Harry vanished into thin air.

"Interesting."

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When harry opened his eyes again, he found himself standing in a dark underground bunker of some sort. Boxes of candles surrounded him.

Where ever it was, it wasn't a Wednesday's company. So a plus there.

He peered at the words scrawled across the various candles.

"Tnt? What the heck kinda word is tnt?"

A small spark of electricity flowed from his hair and down his arm and onto the candle.

Fzt.

**BOOOOOM!**

The house shook as a giant mushroom cloud of fire, smoke and dirt rose into the air from the cemetery.

Inside, Fester watched out the window at the cloud, his mouth open in shock and amazement.

If he looked closely, he could see a small figure riding the top of the mushroom cloud.

"That's my boy!"


	3. Chapter 3

DISCLAIMER: All day long. DISCLAIMER: While I sing this song.

_Don't own it, Don't Own It, DON'T OOOWWNN IIITT..._

**A few weeks later…**

These people were crazy. But that had been obvious from day one.

The problem lay in escaping.

Mind you, he still considered them better than the Dursley's. Despite the daily attempts on his life, they still treated him like a human be- er… like one of their own.

Regardless, he was rather attached to his life, and was in no hurry to depart from it.

That meant escaping.

Mind you he was only six and a half years old. So his plans were less than simple. He knew from television that plans for escaping _needed_ to be elaborate in order to succeed.

The plans were most certainly elaborate.

Scattered about the floor of his closet lay several plans drawn in black crayon. He picked one up and held it high.

"What do you think, Uncle Knick Knack?" he asked the Halloween dummy behind him.

Had he been paying attention, he might have noticed the smile that crept on Uncle Knick Knack's face.

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**Later…**

Harry crept through the house as silently as he could. Which was, honestly, not very silent at all. There wasn't a floor board in the house that didn't creak.

Carefully he peered around the corner of the hall and into the next. Wednesday's and Pugley's rooms were just down the end of the hall.

All clear.

He stepped around the corner.

"AAGGHH!"

He leapt out of his skin as he had nearly walked right into Wednesday, who had seemed to step out of nowhere.

The younger girl was in her pajamas and holding a headless dolly in her arms. Her eyes told of unspoken horrors.

"Your attempts are useless. Resistance is futile."

Harry needed no excuses to turn around and run in the opposite direction as fast as his legs would carry him.

"You'll never take me alive!" he called over his shoulder before disappearing round the corner.

Wednesday arched an eyebrow at the retreating figure before turning back to her room.

"Sounds like a challenge."

Harry ran like the hounds of hell were after him. At the end of the hall he spied an open window and ran faster, diving out of it.

"Freedom!"

Only to have a vine spring from the wall and latch itself around his ankle.

"Crap."

And sling him right back into the open window.

_THONK!_

"God damn it!"

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**Later still…**

Harry looked around the house with Thing perched atop his head. Given everything that had happened, meeting a living sentient hand that ran about what the least shocking 'thing' he'd seen yet.

Wednesday was getting schooled by her mother upstairs. Pugsley was out and about. Uncle Gomez was at the office. Dad was wresting with the man wolf that lived down the street.

That left him in the kitchen. He'd been feeling peckish anyway. There ought to be something around here to eat. If there wasn't, he could always make something like he'd done at the Dursley's.

Ah, here we are. Grandmama's Potions Book.

Potions?

"Draught of the Living Death."

"Death of the Living Draught."

"Sasquatch Stew."

"Polly Juice."

"He's Porridge in a Pot Five Days Old."

"Boils, boils and more boils."

…

…

…

The book had some possibilities.


	4. Chapter 4

DISCLIAMER: Why? WHY? Why must you constantly remind me of the cold hard truth?

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He'd found the plans for the rocket amongst his Dad's things. Of course the plans were too small for what he wanted, but he should just have to make it bigger and it should be fine.

Some drainage pipes he'd pulled from under the road, high grade explosives from his Dad, a gas tank and riding lawn mower he'd borrowed from the neighbor and he was all set.

The rest of the family watched from the front porch as he worked.

"It's not going to work." Wednesday muttered to herself.

"Now, now, Wednesday. Let's just wait and see, shall we?" Mortisha lightly admonished her.

Fester and Pugsley were stitching different body parts together as they watched.

Everything looked good, Harry decided. Grabbing the pull start, he gave it a good heave.

PULL

_Rrrr-rr_

PULL

_Rrrr-rr_

PULL

_Rrrr-rr_

"Damn it. I need a hand." Harry muttered.

He felt a tap on his shoulder and looked over to see Thing giving his a thumb up.

"Thanks, Thing."

They both grabbed the pull start.

PULL

_Rrrr-rr_

PULL

_Rrrr-rrrrrRRRRRRRRRRR…_

With a start of the engine, they both jumped into the lawn mower seat. Thing tucked itself into one of his large coat pockets.

Harry dropped a pair of goggles over his eyes. After shaking his own hand by mistake, he gave Thing a last handshake.

He pulled the release lever and hit the gas.

_RRRRRR-_ WHOOOOM!

The rocket lawn mower took off down a large wooden ramp and into the air.

"FREEDOM! Yeah! HA-HA!" he screamed happily.

Just before a bug flew into his mouth.

And he began choking.

And he accidentally yanked on the steering wheel in his panic.

And sent the rocket into a nose dive.

The Addams family watched in fascination as the rocket took off into the horizon, did a nose dive and corrected itself mid loop in their direction.

When Harry recovered from his chocking and inability to breath, he became aware of several things.

The first was that he'd over corrected.

The second was that he'd hit something and was now leaking gas.

The third was that somewhere between the first and second, he had managed to acquire the Addams family with his on the mower. And he was now traveling a few inches off the ground going in the wrong direction down the interstate.

It was enough to make him want to cry.

Maybe scream.

He'd settle for screaming.

Gomez was wedged into the seat on his left, having acquired himself a train conductors hat, smoking a cigar and pulling every lever within reach.

Grandma-ma was on his right. She had a cauldron of steaming goop in her lap and shoving a spoonful of something in his mouth.

Hmm. Not bad.

Mortisha and Wednesday sat side saddle along the gas tank behind them. Looking every bit composed as they always did.

Fester and Pugsley were sprawled out across the engine.

Gomez shifted the cigar in his mouth. "Lurch!"

Far off in the distance, Harry could hear a gong ringing.

"YOU RAAAAAAANG?"

Harry looked up. Sure enough, Lurch was standing just behind them on the back of the seat.

"Take pictures, would you?"

"HMMMMM…"

_FLASH!_

Harry chose this moment to begin screaming.

"AAGGHHHHHH!"

Fester thought it sounded fun and decided to join in. "AAGGGGGHHH!"

"Weeeeeeeeeee!" Pugsley yelled.

"HA-HA-HA-HA!" Gomez chuckled.

Grandma-ma jerked the steering wheel. "Damn it! I always miss that cop!"

_SCREEEEEEE-_

**CRASH**

_Beep-Beep!_

**CRASH CRASH**

_SCREE-_** CRASH**

**CRASH**

**CRASH**

**CRASH**

Harry looked around. Aside from himself, his Dad and Pugsley, the rest of the family still managed to look radiant in their cloths.

Lurch was taking photos while grandma-ma was making lewd gestures at the frightened cop.

Gomez and Mortisha were doing the Tango amidst the wreckage.

Wednesday was glaring at him.

"Shite."

Pugsley grinned at him from the top of the engine. "Can we do that again?"

His dad put an arm around his shoulder. In a distant part of his mind Harry wondered whose arm it belonged too. "Not bad for a first attempt." His father lectured. "I see I'm going to have a lot to teach you about rockets. Generally they're supposed to go boom in the end."

Harry thought about his in relation to his dad, and decided that made a lot of sense.

"A seven car pileup and a school bus! Good show young man!" Gomez exclaimed with a slap on the back.

**BOOOOM!**

The exploding gas tank sent the bus full on children onto its side. Their cries of fright were heartwarming to the Addams.

_FLASH_

Wednesday was standing behind him before he had a change to scream in fright.

"I was wrong" She told him and began walking away from him. "You had best be prepared to pay for it."


	5. Chapter 5

DISCLAIMER: You know the drill.

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In one of several underground bunkers deep beneath the house, Harry Potter was working with a fanatic determination that would make any mad scientist proud.

"I'm not giving up!" He muttered under his breath as he hooked various power cables together. "I'M NOT GIVING UP!"

He had the tools.

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The Semi- flat bed driver whistled as he walked out of the store to his trailer where he was transporting two Bobcats, a Crane and a Crusher to a construction site the other end of the town.

Err... Key word being _was._

And oddly, no one had thought anything odd of the strange child dressed as a mad scientist on stilts who had climbed into the cab of said truck not ten minutes ago.

He had the equipment.

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About 5 miles down the road from the Addams residence at the local fair grounds, the manager to the carnival watched in disbelief as several rides failed to operate, caught fire, shorted out, exploded, and in one bizarre instance, flew off its track and into a low earth orbit.

A not quite so happy clown stood next to the manager. "Is that covered under our insurance?"

**0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0 **

"Where's my rocket fuel? Oh well."

All he needed was the means.

Oh, he certainly had the means!

Running his hands though his hair repeatedly, he grinned as several volts of electricity coursed though his fingers.

Slapping his hands on the engine, he gave it a good jump start.

_GRRRRRROOOWWWLLLLLLLLL..._

"It's alive..." He grinned so wide that it looked to almost split his face.

"IT'S ALIIIIIIIIVVEE!"

**KA-RACK! BOOM!**

"Dah- Dun- Daaaaaaaaahhh!"

Needless to say, desperation was starting to get to him.

"What's alive?"

"EEEEKK!"

Pugsley watched in fascination as Harry clung to the ceiling like a spider. He didn't know people could jump that high.

Nor fall that quickly.

**CRASH**

Harry jumped up. "Pugsley!" He grinned. One of the few in the household he knew he could trust... slightly more than the rest at least. "I could use a patsy... err... I mean... no. Wait. Yes. I meant patsy."

"Here." Harry showed his cousin the controls. "You dig, I'll steer."

"Where we going?" Pugsley took the controls without protest. Harry jumped into another seat behind him as the machine began to tear apart the ground in front of them.

Harry paused thoughtfully. "Taiwan? China maybe? I've heard they have no laws against child labor. Might find good work there at a sweat shop…"

Pugsley looked excited. "Do you think we might get beaten and starved with little or no wages?"

Harry nodded. "If you don't put out enough shoes for all those lucky kids here in the states… sure."

Kicking the engine into full. he pointed ahead of them dramatically. "To Freedom!"

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Gomez lit a cigar and inhaled deeply on the balcony as he and Fester lined up their shots. He felt for a good grip.

"Have you seen the boys recently?"

Fester shrugged. "Not recently. Don't worry. I'm sure they're up to something."

They swung their clubs.

_Thunk Thunk_

Gomez frowned as the balls bounced off the roof of the neighbor's house. "My game is off."

Curiously, the house began to shake. They watched as the ground rumbled… slowly away from the house. The ground collapsed into a deep trench… in the direction of the neighbors.

With a jarring crash, the neighbor's house tilted off from its foundation and into the newly dug trench.

A man came running out of the house in his bath robe.

"Evening judge!" Gomez grinned and waved.

"Damn you Addams!"

Out from the trench, Harry and Pugsley stuck their heads out curiously.

Gomez and Fester just laughed.


	6. Chapter 6

DSICLAIMER: You ah know it, I ah know it, he ah knows it, she ah knows it, and wouldn't you all ah like to know it too?

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When Harry woke up it wasn't to the comfort of his old cupboard, nor was it his new closet with the comforting face of Uncle Knick Knack.

Nope.

It was Wednesday.

"AAGGHHH!"

Wednesday arched an eyebrow at him. "I haven't even done anything yet." She deadpanned.

"Sorry." Harry shrugged, or tried to. "Just trying to psyche myself up."

Wordlessly, she finished strapping him onto the table, watching as he struggled helplessly.

"Look, couldn't we play something else?" Why did he even bother? He knew it was helpless. "Like house, tea party or cops and robbers?"

She fixed him with a glare that would have paralyzed Batman. "You play your games, I play mine."

Harry tugged at everything he possibly could as the feeling of approaching doom reached its climax. "What game are we playing?"

Wednesday pulled a small tool box up off the floor and sat it next to his head on the table. "It's called, what's your pain threshold?"

"Ow! Ow! Oww! OWW! OOOOWWW!"

Mortisha paused in where she had been cutting the buds off the rose bush, listening to the screams up stairs.

She smiled. "Wednesday must really like him for him to have lasted this long."

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"School?" Wednesday's reaction could have added ten years rust to a bumper.

"School?" Pugsley's was curious.

"School?" Harry's was the sound of hope from a dying man.

Mortisha nodded. "Your fathers and I have discussed it and we think it important that you know how to interact with society."

"Or at the very least." Gomez added, "Society needs to know how to interact with you."

"Will there be screaming involved?" Pugsley wondered aloud.

"With a minimal amount of effort no doubt." Fester assured him.

"Where's the fun in that?" Wednesday turned and walked off.

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Harry sighed in relief as his first class began. Since he was a year older than the other two, the school put him in a grade higher.

Potentially, he had almost the whole day away from Wednesday! Why, there might even be time for a grand plan of escape!

He rubbed his hands together and cackled.

Students around him gave him a wide berth. His normal attire as that of a mad scientist not helping matters.

"Class!" A middle aged man wearing a bad hair piece walked into the classroom, sitting at his desk in the front. "We have a new student today." He motioned to the still cackling Harry. "Umm… please introduce yourself?"

Harry stopped cackling and walked to the front of the room. "Hey! I'm Harry Potter… err… Addams… I think… maybe…"

A young girl in the front row of desks looked at harry with skepticism. "You don't know your name?"

A boy a few rows back raised his hand before talking. "So your name is Addams Potter or Harry Addams?"

"Harry Addams." He answered. Then he thought about his father Fester. "Probably."

The teacher ran a hand over his face. "Harry Addams." he told the boy.

"Right!" harry beamed at the teacher. Strait forward answers he liked.

"Tell us about yourself." The teacher supplied to the possibly mentally handicapped child. He would have to make an appointment with the school councilor for him. "What do you like?"

Harry thought about it. There wasn't much that he liked when he lived with the Dursley's. Now… "I like avoiding Wednesday, brewing potions and making brilliant plans of escape!"

"…Right." the teacher paused, wondering how someone avoided a day of the week. He would make that appointment today. "Take a seat and everyone open your English books to 179 and ready your notebooks."

harry sat and opened his book, looking at it oddly before pushing it aside. He already knew English. He smiled at the notebook. Maybe he could ready some plans…

He scribbled some plans before crossing it out and starting a new page. "Nah. Wouldn't be able to find enough gerbils." He scribbled some more and crossed it out. "Don't have enough body hair for that."

"Mr. Addams!"

Harry jumped in his seat. He felt a similar sensation in his arm to that the electricity that often ran current in his hair as he looked up and glared at the teacher for interrupting his thoughts.

He lost the glare as he stared and the rest of the class began to laugh.

"What's so funny?" The teacher demanded and loomed over the class.

The girl from earlier giggled and explained. "Your hair is blue, Mr. Bigglesworth."

The teacher pulled his hair piece off his head and looked at his now blue hair piece… **"**_**Grrrrooolllll…**_**"** His angry growling blue hair piece…

**CHOMP!**

"AAAGGHH!" He shook his arm trying to get the hair piece to let go of his fingers. It fell to the floor where it shuffled in the direction of the rest of the class.

"AAGGHHHH!" The students screamed.

"Run away!"

"It's headed for the window!"

"No! My hair!"

"_**NOM NOM NOM NOM…"**_

Harry blinked and pulled out his last escape plan, looking over it with a critical eye. "I can always bring extra hair…"

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In a rare moment of cooperation, Harry stood next to his cousins at the lunch line in the school cafeteria. All three of them held an expression of horrid fascination, though Wednesday's was veiled.

"What is it?" Pugsley pressed his face to the glass cover.

"I'm not sure." Harry leaned toward the food cover. "I know I've cooked food like this before for my relatives in England."

Wednesday raised an eyebrow. "And you still don't know what it is?"

He shrugged. "Just cause I made it doesn't mean I got to eat it."

Pugsley leaned back. "What did your relatives look like after eating it?"

Harry looked thoughtful. "A couple of beached whales and an anorexic giraffe?"

Wednesday looked at the line again with slightly more appreciation. "I suppose it has some benefits after you get past your gag reflex."

"Good thing Grandma-ma packed lunches for us." Pugsley held up a squirming brown bag.

The other two nodded.

However, only moments after sitting down at a table, an older student began walking between lunch tables and grabbing food from other students.

He stopped at the Addams's and grabbed Wednesday's lunch. "Hey noobs, you better have something good for me or I'll smash your face into a locker."

The student population froze and stared as the bully opened the bag only to have the bag cough a black slime into his eyes.

"AAAGGHH!" The bully dropped the bag to claw at his eyes. "ITS EATING MY BRAIN!" Which were also now emitting large amounts of smoke.

"AAAGGHHHH!" The bully took off into a blind run at the window.

**CRASH!**

"AAGGGGGHH!" And was seen running away from the school with his head aflame.

Wednesday snorted. "Idiot. That's not how you eat from a lunch bag."

Harry and Pugsley nodded and all three of them took a bite out of their lunch, bag and all while ignoring the squeals of pain from within.

Oddly they never noticed the rest of the student population as they now hugged the walls.


	7. Chapter 7

DISCLAIMER: Sorry about the delay in updates. You know the drill. I owns nothins.

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Wednesday woke up to find herself strapped down on a table and her adopted cousin Harry cackling over her madly. She had no end of scathing or biting remarks, but he had unfortunately gagged her.

With a smile that spoke of retribution to be had on his part, he held a six inch needle and syringe with a table behind him, full of various bottles of unknown contents. Half of which he brewed and the other half he nicked from Grandma-ma's cupboard.

"Time to play one of my games, Wednesday!" He cackled again. With glee, he shoved the needle into the stopper of a bottle and filled the syringe with green, glowing mucus.

She narrowed her eyes dangerously and struggled. While it was nice to see him growing something of a semblance to a backbone; only _she_ was allowed to enact bloody vengeance upon her foes.

"Lets play, Potion or Poison? BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"

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Mortisha was spraying acid on the flowers of her garden when a morphing glob of flesh, slime and hair wearing Wednesday's dress slugged into the room and towards the kitchen.

"Wednesday." Mortisha called out to her daughter, who slowly slugged to a halt. "Do you do something with your hair?" She asked wonderingly why something seemed slightly different about her.

Wednesday growled. "I am going to marry that boy." She slowly continued to slug into the kitchen. "Weather he likes it or not."

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Had it really been a year since he had been brought into the Addams family? If he had guessed he would have said ten years. Certainly it felt that way.

In that time he had made many, _many_ attempts to escape from his insane family. Not out of any direct distaste, but because from what he saw; he likely had a much higher mortality rate than his new relatives.

In that time, escaping had become less of an issue, and he became more focused on simply _surviving._ Though that wasn't to say he still didn't make the attempt from time to time.

But first, there was testing to be done. No more escaping on faulty equipment for him! Nor sir!

…Not as often anyway.

Using the stilt tied to his right leg, he hit the brake on the semi and jerked the wheel a hard left and watched another barrel labeled radioactive waste roll out of the trailer and into the path of the police cars tailing him.

Sneaking into the research lab to borrow some had been disappointingly easy, what with all the men in black identical suits with sunglasses and police officers scrambling about.

Well, at least until he'd driven the semi though a blockade of cars.

In his side view mirrors, he watched as the barrel broke and spilled across the road, dissolving the metal on the cars but somehow giving a cow on the side of the road a second head… curious. He wondered how a compound could have such a wide area of side effects.

Of course, he didn't realize that his magic had been in a constant state of going haywire since his incident on the roof over a year ago.

The remaining waste on the road ate through the asphalt and the ground, leaving the rest of the cars to crash into the newly created ravine.

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Harry whistled cheerfully as he rolled a drum of radioactive waste through the house but paused in the living room as a dagger stuck the floor near his foot.

With a kick, he sent the dolly rolling into the waiting arms of Grandma-ma. "You brought groceries! How sweet!" She pried the lid off the drum and dipped a finger in it to taste. "Fresh too!" She beamed.

Harry looked up at the balcony where his Dad and Uncle Gomez stood. "Son!" Fester gestured to him with another dagger. "Its time I taught you the family art!"

Harry paled and looked around wildly for a weapon to defend himself with. Spotting a pair of hatchets on the wall, he didn't have time to think when they flew down and into his hands.

"An axe murderer, hmm?" Gomez twirled his rapier about. "We haven't had one in the family in fifty years!"

Not wanting to die, harry threw the hatchets and pulled a battle axe from a suit of armor at the same time his father lunged at him.

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Harry Addams was a survivor. Just ask him and he'd tell you he was a survivor. Always… surviving… and stuff…

It was questionably weather this was due to his magic; his being an Addams; or just lots of dumb luck.

He wasn't stupid either. He knew he was slowly being assimilated into the family, and while it didn't scare his as much as it used too…

Wait.

Yes it did.

"Damn it! I know it's around here somewhere." Fester grumbled and put the car in reverse, going backwards down- er… up the highway.

Today, he was spending quality time with his Dad. It was enough to make his jittery the whole trip. Or maybe it was just the jumper cables attached to his hair.

"Hey Dad, where are we going anyway?"

Fester grinned at him. "Why, only the must fun place in town!" The car backed into the front end of an ambulance and turned around into the opposing traffic. "There it is!"

The electrical power plant.

Gunning the engine, the car busted through several doors and a few hallways before skidding to a halt in the main generator room.

Harry watched his father grab a duffle bag and run to the generator gleefully. He had to admit, there was just something about a near unlimited amount of electricity that just brought a tear to his eye.

Probably just his ultimate demise. Again.

"So what are we doing?"

"Just a little experiment mixed with some good old fashioned fun!" Fester dumped the duffel out onto the floor. Harry's eyes lit up at the word 'experiment' and eyed the various tools littering the floor.

There were some small glass containers and a box of cables in an old upside down 'Y' configuration.

"Just some things I hijacked- BORROWED from your older cousin Doc Brown two years ago. Some crackpot theory about time travel and plutonium."

Fester grinned, holding the two items in his arms. "Oh yeah! And something about 1.21 gigawatts or electricity!" With a laugh, he ran at the power generator.

_**FZZZZZZZZZZTTTTZZ!**_

CRASH!

He watched bemusedly as his father lit up like a Christmas tree and smoke poured off him like a gasoline fire.

Another Fester walked into the room and up to the other Fester attached to the generator. "I'll get it right this time!"

_**FZZZZZZZZZTTTTZZ!**_

CRASH!

Another Fester walked into the room and a fourth followed him straight to the generator.

"Come on!" Fester # 5 grabbed him by the shoulder and handed him a box of cables and a glass jar very similar to the smoking remains of the original. "You're missing out on all the fun!"

Oddly, he shared the same confused expression on his face as the other Harry that just walked into the room led by his father Fester with box and jar in hand.

_**FZZZZZZZZTTTTZZ!**_


	8. Chapter 8

**DISCLAIMER: Shes a maniac! _Maniac!_ Thats for sure! And-she's-ne-ver-owned-a-ny-of-this-be-fore!**

From the basement Harry looked from the barrels of toxic waste chemicals to the cage in front of him. Despite all of his attempts to create a flying monkey, he had nothing. "No radiation. No physical mutations. No nothing!" He threw his hands up in frustration. "It seems you will never be anything more than a mere monkey!"

Stupid Wizard of Oz! No one understood the true value of a flying monkey anymore. With a resigned sigh he headed upstairs, unaware to the spandex the monkey adorned mysteriously before flying away in a flash of yellow light.

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Dispassionately he watched families out together, playing Frisbee, couples taking walks, and people walking their pets.

Speaking of which, a poodle was yapping excitedly around his ankles.

"YIP! YIP! **YIPE!**"

"**GROOLMPH!**"

Well it '_was'_ up until it got near Head Wig, his blue hair piece, who it seemed had gotten hungry. If you looked closely, you could see bits of white fur through the hair and now stood on four small white paws. "Good boy."

"Growf."

It was his fault really. One of his experiments had shifted the foundation of the house. City Construction would be working on it for the next 12 to 18 hours. The contractors were trying to set a record for being off and away from the Addams residence as soon as possible. Due to hazard risks (on the workers part) the family was required to stay off the property until completion.

So it was family outing.

It was sunshine.

It was children with puppies and picnics and old people feeding birds and gay laughter.

"BLAHRG!"

It was vomit inducing.

"EEEEWWWW!" Other children gagged, ran away or threw up themselves as Harry vomited at the horrid injustice of it all.

If he didn't get to be happy, neither should they.

The vomit sizzled on the ground and sidewalk before erupting into brilliant octarine flames. Wednesday seemed to approve as she and Pugsley stood next to him.

"Sunshine, fresh air, blue skies…" Gomez lamented as he and Mortisha looked about the city park. He took a long pull from his cigar. "Are there no condemned buildings? No decrepit cemeteries to inhabit?"

"All booked Dear." Mortisha watched sadly with a sigh. "We'll just have to make due." She reached into her dress and pulled two machetes from… somewhere. "Here children. Go terrorize someone."

As she handed out the machetes to her two children, Fester handed Harry a battle axe. "Knock 'em dead!"

Ah, crap.

Wednesday was gripping the blade and staring at him.

He gripped his axe and crouched into an easy lunging position, waiting for Wednesday to make that almost unnoticeable tensing motion…

Without further a due…

He threw a hatchet with practiced ease from the inside of his coat and ran the other direction as quickly as possible.

Wednesday deflected the hatchet and was already in pursuit with her brother.

"They grow up so fast." Fester grinned.

Had he been running in the Olympics, he would have won the silver. Second to his cousin Wednesday who was quickly gaining on him.

Deciding a detoured distraction was called for; he darted into the large shopping mall ahead of him. He should be able to lose them there. Pulling a handful of dynamite from his coat, he hurriedly tried to light it while running.

Right onto a roped off area that said 'waxed floor, step carefully."

_Slip_

_Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…_

Wednesday and Pugsley stopped to watch as Harry slid down the remainder of the floor on his head as the dynamite bounced away…

...and under the feet of a performing Mime.

**BOOM!**

The group of depressed children that had been watching looked with open mouths at the spot the Mime previously occupied… and there was much rejoicing. "YAAAAAY!"

Still lying on the floor, Harry watched the ceiling as Wednesday came into view above him. If he didn't know better, he would have said she had the barest hint of a smile on her face. "Not bad. There might be hope for you yet."

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In the basement of the house, Harry shuffled through his various experiments and escape plans in frustration. Disgusted with his current failure he threw them to the floor.

Something underneath it however caught his eye. It was one of his father's mail order catalogs.

Acme Inc.

Hmm.

Since his own inventions were less than stellar, perhaps he should try someone else's?

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Harry smiled at the prompt rush delivery made only two hours later with his Uncle Gomez credit card. Idle, he watched the semi trailer back onto the property, drop the crates of equipment, and drive off hurriedly.

Efficient too.

An hour later had the family gathered in front of the house again as Harry completed construction of a giant slingshot while wearing a yellow super flight suit.

With some assistance from Lurch, he stood in the sling as it was pulled taut. "Thanks Lurch." He nodded to the family butler. "It's been nice knowing you."

Thing poked out of one of his coat pockets and flashed him a thumbs up.

To the rest of the family- "So long suckers! To freedom! Let it go!"

**SPROING!**

**THUD!**

The family looked at the Harry shaped hole on one of the crypt walls. Alas, Harry didn't read the instructions that said the suit should only be used at high vantage points.

"Such contempt for his family…" Mortisha muttered as Fester and Pugsley ran to the sling shot and strapped their selves in.

Gomez shared a grin. "Shows we must be doing something right."

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**Authors Note: If anyone has any absurd ideas or ridiculous escape plan ideas you want to see, feel free to include them in your review. Fore I runs into a wall.**

**Kudos to mrmistoffelees for the idea.**


	9. Chapter 9

**DISCLAIMER: **Distractions, distractions, I don't own it all.

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Harry stood a fair distance from the Acme catapult; having quickly learned one should do a test run on equipment before using it on yourself… usually. Sometimes the prospect was too much to pass up.

This wasn't one of those times.

Instead, he had Wednesday tied up and sitting in the launcher while he wound the spring mechanism. He heaved a sigh as he finished and reached into a coat pocket, pulling out Thing (who it seemed had moved in permanently) and a notepad. "Would you mind taking notes?"

Thing snapped his fingers and readied a pen as Harry held the notepad in one hand and reached for the release lever with the other. He grinned up at his struggling cousin. He didn't want to miss this…

He pulled the lever with a cackle.

Unfortunately, all Acme products tended to ignore logic and physics.

**WHUMP!**

And the base sprung backward directly on top of him.

A shaking fist slowly slid out from underneath the catapult. "Uhrrrrrrrrrrr…"

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Eight year old Harry grunted as he finished digging the bear trap in front of the property gate. It was getting to the point where those carolers were getting on **everyone's** nerves. It might not have been so bad on his part if any of them could actually _sing._

Christmas was the time for giving wasn't it? Well he'd 'give' them a lesson in common decency! He didn't go to their houses and play music by Barbara Streisand did he? Though if they didn't learn quickly he might start doing so.

He paused as the sound of jingle bells rang cheerfully down the road. Sure enough, a minute later a fat man in a red suit in a red horse drawn carriage came rumbling down the road. "Santa?" His eyes lit up.

The paid fat man in a Santa suit looked down at Harry as the boy called his name and he smiled at the youth. It was moments like this that made him glad he took the job in the winter holidays. "HO! HO! H-"

The last thing Santa saw was a shovel.

When Santa woke up he was hog tied on the floor with three children looking down at him with looks that had him sweating more than the suit did.

"Hey Santa." Harry frowned at the fat man and leaned on his shovel. "I want to talk about all the letters you ignored from me when I was at the Dursley's."

Wednesday leaned down at his and Santa felt the hairs rise on the back of his back. "And you WILL tell me the secret to enslaving elves to do your bidding."

Pugsley clicked a pair of nut crackers together ominously.

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Some people wondered why Harry returned to the house after having successfully left before. As said before, Harry _had_ watched television. Both on rare occasion at the Dursley's and with his new family.

Television would tell you; escape plans _needed_ to be elaborate in order to succeed. People weren't filmed making daring escapes by turning an unlocked door handle. Television didn't lie.

And more importantly; it was not an escape unless they knew you were escaping. If they didn't know, then you were just running away.

Harry Potter Addams; eight years old; did not run away from anything. Not even his fat cousin Dudley with his game of 'Harry Hunting.'

He preferred to call it a 'tactical evasion.'

He did a lot of tactical evasions these days. Live to fight another day and all that.

Mostly just live another day.

Having just woken up, Harry considered this a great success. He flipped the switch of his closet. "Good morning Uncle Knick Knack." The dismembered hand scratched his head. "Good morning Thing."

It was early enough, he might be able to get started before the daily attempt on his life. He picked up a roll of blueprints. "Let the experiment commence! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

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With the exception of certain family rituals or common practices, the Addams did not formally teach magic. They came from an ancient family that believed magic to be the element that spawned chaos.

Teaching magic inflicted rules and laws against something that was never meant to be confined or measured. That's not to say they didn't use magic; only that it was an art to be determined by the user. Used and used by differently for everyone.

So even though magic had pretty much been a given for Harry in his first few days with the family, the idea of control was a lost concept.

Not that it mattered either way.

Stubbornness could get you farther than insanity.

Harry and Pugsley looked at the Necronomicon sitting on the table, flipping idly through its pages. Fester had called it a good joke book and given it to the two of them.

"What language is it?" Harry wondered aloud, pausing every couple of pages to look at one of the illustrations. That one looked like a tree… if a tree were using human corpses like a xylophone.

Pugsley turned the book upside down to look at an illustration. "Maybe it's that one you see singers using on T.V. all the time. Engrish was it?" He flipped though the book more until he found a picture he liked. "What do you think it is?"

Harry squinted at it and grunted. "Who knows? Eldritch horrors maybe?"

"You think so?" Pugsley immediately brightened up.

"Only one way to find out." Harry glanced at his cousin before they both shrugged and threw their arms up chanting and dancing around the table; improvising the spells as they did so.

"Telephone solicitor – New York cab driver- airline food – Bob Saget – McDonald's coffee - Barbara Streisand!"

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Outside in the cemetery, darkness seemed to gather and coil together, growing and shifting into something terrible… It moved towards the house…

Mortisha and Grandma-ma sat at the dining table. The former was reading a book while the latter worked on dinner. Neither looked up as a blob of darkness rushed through the room.

"Look Mama." Mortisha turned a page in her book. "Someone has summoned eldritch horrors to the house again."

"Feh!" Grandma-ma spit in the pot of boiling liquid she was cooking. "They don't make

Eldritch horrors like they used to."

The darkness rushed though the house. It could feel the ones who summoned it. But first, it spotted its first victim. It _lurched _at the towering figure-

_**Squish!**_

Lurch paused in his duties as he stepped on something. "HMMM…" He looked at the twitching blob of darkness stuck to the sole of his boot. He scraped his boot on the floor until it came loose, ignoring the whimpering, and continued his duties.

The blob rushed through the house again; this time at a slightly more sedate pace should more lurking giants be about.

There.

A little girl.

A nice easy target.

It rushed forward eagerly only to feel its instincts cry out to stop in fear of its existence.

Wednesday looked at the blob of darkness as it stopped near her feet. As she narrowed her eyes at it, it seemed to quiver and quietly move back in the other direction.

The darkness decided it would just go the other way around.

Yeah.

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After several minutes of waiting, Harry and Pugsley watched a blob of darkness morph slowly down the stairs as if it were sulking.

It perked up once it reached the bottom and realized they were there. With a great expansive leap, it moved at them. This time, it would-

"**GROWF!" **_THUMP THUMP THUMP_

"Eww! No! Bad Head Wig! That's Gross!" Harry turned away from the… activity that now occupied the basement corner. He didn't know darkness could wail like that.

Pugsley frowned and shrugged his shoulders. "Well, that's a dud."

Harry frowned in agreement. He flipped a page in the book. "Try again?"

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AN: Thanks to all of you wonderfully demented people out there. Any thoughts, ideas, escape plans, experiments or plot bunnies you think would be a good idea, please include them in your review and I shall consider them. You are an inspiration to my work. Literally.


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